Enjoying my own company

My life today is in such a different place than it was 3 years ago….If you asked where I was 10 years ago, I would tell you I was living a nightmare from finding out about my husbands affair that had been going on right under my nose for over a year. If you ask me where I was 6 years ago I would tell you I was living as closet meth user in order to cope and or numb the pain that my husbands affair caused me.  If you ask me where I was 3 years ago I would tell you that I was living Deja Voo because yet again another affair was happening, but this time he decided to finally leave us and because he has no balls, he choose to just move out one day while I was at work and sit our kids down without me present and let them know whatever story he had in his head about why he was leaving.  Im guessing he didn’t tell them that he had been cheating on mom again for the past three years.  I never got the memo he was leaving, nor did I know he had this planned and I didn’t get the invite to sit down with my children to hear his story. What I did get was me coming home from work and finding my kids sitting there looking so sad and I had no idea what was going on. When I got to my bedroom and looked around , I was so confused yet not sad, but I was just angry. After 15 years of giving you my unconditional love, quitting my career, and becoming a wife and stay at home mom. And then to watch you betray our marriage once and almost dying from putting  and drug I could into me to take the pain away, then to work thru your affair and learn how to forgive and rebuild your trust… This is how you leave our marriage? While Im at work?  You are that much of a coward that you can’t come to me and say Im not happy? For 14 years you belittled me and told me what a child I was and how much I needed to grow up and today I look back at how you left our marriage that day and I can’t help but to wonder now all those years you put me down only to build yourself up. It would have been so much easier for all of us if you came to me and said I’m moving out i want out of this marriage. And you see how I would have reacted would have been on me and I truly believe we would have a much better relationship today if we were both honest. I know that I was very unhappy in my marrage towards the end but I was living in fear and I was too afraid to leave. I had become so dependent on him that i had no idea to live on my own. So i kept quiet and I allowed him to continue to betray me, belittle me, and disrespect me.  I didn’t love myself at all anyways at this point so it didn’t matter to me. My husband has been gone for almost 3 years and I have been working on living with me and finding me again. So thats what this blog is going to be about. My first blog       was when i was struggling with the pain and using drugs to not feel and this blog I will write on finally closing the doors and finishing this divorce and starting my new journey . I have learned so much through all the heartache and writing always makes me feel better so I will share my journey with you!

 

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